It's always been like God blessed me with my mom to watch over her instead of her watching over me. I knew early on that my mother-daughter relationship was unlike those around me. But I have to share with you both for me and for you. You may not understand until you have a child of your own. This will come with time and experience on all fronts. I know that this letter will not fully embody what I am trying to convey. There are so many things that I want to say to ensure that you can fully understand what I feel when mothering you. Never being strong enough to face the emotions that come with it, I stop in my tracks. I’ve erased and typed, typed, and erased the words to say to you on multiple occasions and on many different forms of communication. Afraid that one day you’ll be writing an open letter to your dear daughters and facing the problems that I wrapped in a bow and presented to you as a gift. Covering up for those that have hurt me, simply because I don’t want to hurt them…But each time I look at you growing, learning and becoming the woman you will be, I am reminded of what I didn’t have and what I HAVE TO DO in being your mother! Honestly, I am afraid that my brokenness will break you as I don’t know if what I am doing is right. In my sad moments, I am faced with a quick flash of the pain that I brush off and let pass, as I don’t want to face it. In my happiest moments, I still feel a sense of emptiness as a broken mom. Laughing and joking the pain away…Quietly wiping away tears of un-forgiveness and pain in my most joyous and saddest moments.Quietly saying prayers that stuff the wounds of my broken childhood.Purposely ignoring thoughts and pushing pass feelings to ensure that I am the perfect picture of a mother.Somehow, my dear daughters, the feelings continue to present themselves to me at the oddest of times. There is a piece of mommy that is broken and I have tried to patch the brokenness and cover it with beautiful pieces of loving you harder and harder! I even tried to forget the things and people that broke me. I wish that this letter never had to be written and that my past didn’t affect how I love you. I wish that I could sum this up for you in a few short words, or play a song for you that covers how I feel.
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